BONDING TIME WITH MY KIDS

I can't believe it! My two younger kids will be staying with me over the weekend. They informed me earlier that their dad will have a class reunion this weekend and he decided to allow two of them to stay with me instead of one. I'm excited already. I always relish every moment spent with them. When oh when will I get to have them altogether for good? I guess it is always the mother's desire to gather all her kids in one roof just like the mother hen cradling all her chicks under her wings....sigh! It's really not possible at the moment. The last time I tried to convince ex-husband to let them stay with me for good, we started hitting each other witnessed by the kids. I saw how traumatized my kids were at that time. From then on, I decided to rest my case. I comforted myself by lifting this case to God and I will continue to trust God's plan for my family. 

Meantime, the weekend's almost here. It's Masskara Festival week and I am so looking forward to enjoy the festivities with my kids, all three of them...sniff sniff

GUIDE TO CO-PARENTING WITH YOUR EX BY DR. PHIL

Here's another one from my favorite Dr. Phil. As a solo parent, it is very important that I should know how to rear my kids when there are two of us raising them in two different environment and still having negative emotions with my ex. This article is very enlightening and I regretted the times when I allowed my kids to hear my negative remarks about their father. And even, allowed them to see/hear us fought verbally and physically. I pray to do better from now on.

Co-Parenting with Your Ex

Dealing with an ex when you have children together can be difficult, especially when negative emotions are involved or you feel a desire to never see your former flame again. Unfortunately, being a parent means putting your child’s best interests above your own, and that means finding a way to form an amicable relationship with your ex as co-parents. Dr. Phil has advice for beginning this new relationship with your ex:

Embracing the dos and don’ts helps considerably to normalize your children’s lives. The key is for you and your ex to take the high road and truly make sacrifices for your children. It isn’t only self-indulgent, but self-destructive for you to thrust your children in the middle of emotional crossfire. What’s more, they simply don’t want to hear it. I’ve talked to so many children in divorced homes who tell me they are so sick to death of listening to their parents complain and whine about each other that they could just scream. So don’t be a tedious bore. You wanted children, and now you have them. The fact that your relationship didn’t work out is unfortunate, but it’s not their fault.

If your ex simply won’t get in the game and adhere to the guidelines I’ve set forth, you must do so anyway. The only person you control is you. Let me appeal to your greed by saying that, if you do take the high road, in the long run your children will admire you for it. The day will come when they’ll look back and say, “My mother [or father] behaved with such class, dignity and respect that I can see how much he or she loved me and wanted peace and tranquility in my life. I’m so grateful for that gift. I only wish my other parent had been so selfless.”

As hard as it may be, sit down with your ex and make a commitment to set boundaries about your new relationship as co-parents.

Don’ts:

• Never sabotage your child’s relationship with the other parent.
• Never use your child as a pawn to get back at or hurt your ex.
• Never use your child to gain information or to manipulate and influence your ex.
• Never transfer hurt feelings and frustrations toward your ex onto your child.
• Never force your child to choose a side when there’s a conflict in scheduling or another planning challenge.
• Never turn family events into pressure cookers.
• Never depend too much on your child for companionship and support because you’re hurt and lonely.
• Never treat your child like an adult because you’re lonely or just want help.
• Never become so emotionally needy that your child develops feelings of guilt if he or she spends time with others.
• Never convert guilt into overindulgence when it comes to satisfying your child’s material desires.

There are two important rules concerning children during times of crisis and instability in your family:

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

Dos:

• Commit to learn, adopt and apply all the principles set forth in Family First.
• Sit down with your ex and make an affirmative plan that sets aside any differences you may have and focuses instead on meeting the needs of your children.
• Agree with your ex that you absolutely won't disparage each other to your children. Further, forbid your children to speak disrespectfully about the other parent, even though it may be music to your ears.
• Negotiate and agree on how you can best handle such things as handing off the children for visitation, holidays, or events.
• Agree on boundaries and behavioral guidelines for raising your children so that there's consistency in their lives, regardless of which parent they're with at any given time.
• Negotiate and agree on the role extended family members will play and the access they'll be granted while your child is in each other's charge.
• Communicate actively with your ex about all aspects of your child's development.
• Recognize that children are prone to testing a situation and manipulating boundaries and guidelines, especially if there's a chance to get something they may not ordinarily be able to obtain.
• Compare notes with your ex before jumping to conclusions or condemning one another about what may have happened.
• Although it may be emotionally painful, make sure that you and your ex keep each other informed about changes in your life circumstances so that the child is never, ever the primary source of information.
• Commit to conducting yourself with emotional integrity. 

Focus your efforts on what your children need most during this difficult time: acceptance, assurance of safety, freedom from guilt or blame for their parents’ break up, structure, a stable parent who has the strength to conduct business and the ability to just be a kid.

For more, read Post-Divorce Parenting Mistakes and Strategies or pick up your copy of Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family.

TIPS FOR LEAVING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FROM DR. PHIL

I love Dr. Phil. His insights are practical and real. Among his advice, here's one that can benefit those who are contemplating of leaving an abusive relationship. Although this is written for the American audience, some inputs may also be applicable to us Filipinos. 

An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Planning a safe exit from an abusive relationship is a necessary and important step before breaking the ties with your partner. The National Domestic Violence Hotline suggests following the these steps to improve your chances of leaving safely.

• Know the phone number to your local battered woman's shelter.
• Let trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble.
• If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
• Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made.
• Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures.
• Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
• If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape.
• Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape.
• Hide an extra set of car keys.
• Set money aside. Ask friends or family members to hold money for you.
• Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money — anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends.
• Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc.  
• If time is available, also take:
  Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.)
  Titles, deeds and other property information
  Medical records
  Children's school and immunization records
  Insurance information
  Verification of social security numbers
  Welfare identification
  Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
• Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave.
• Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resouces, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial.
• Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving:

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Change your work hours and route taken to work.
• Change the route taken to transport children to school.
• Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times.
• Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
• Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
• Call law enforcement to enforce the order.

If you leave:

• Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number.
• Change your work hours, if possible.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.
• Consider changing your children's schools.
• Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Talk to trusted people about the violence.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
• Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

For more tips on staying safe, click here!

For more information, please visit the Web site for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. 

For more information on where to turn for help, consult these Domestic Violence Resources.

Dr. Phil's Website: http://www.drphil.com

20 Things I am Grateful Of

Oftentimes I am saddled with everyday concerns that I lose touch of things that I should be grateful of. Here's my 20 grateful list...Thank you Lord....

1. For my kids. 
2. For giving me a house of my own.
3. For giving me the opportunity to see my kids in school every morning on schooldays.
4. For the food on our table everyday.
5. For keeping us safe in our travels to and from the house.
6. For my brothers and sister, whom I get to communicate regularly these days.
7. For my mom who inspite of her illness, she's still around and looking after us.
8. For my dad who inspite of his regular absences in our home, is a constant comfort in times of needs.
9. For my sister who never fails to text or chat to check how am I and the kids.
10. For my elder brother who in his frailty at the moment, never fails to get in touch.
11. For my younger brother whose absence is felt for quite sometime now, calls for no reason at all and just to check how we are.
12. For my job that earns me my keep.
13. For my co-workers who never fails to brighten my day with their jokes and funny stories.
14. For my girlfriends who never lost touch inspite of being far from each other.
15. For the other sources of income that I was able to established.
16. For the company of friends.
17. For being with me when I am alone.
18. For the person who thinks I'm pretty. ^^
19. For giving me strength when I need it.
20. For the challenges I face everyday coz they help me to become a mature person.

Amen!

FIVE EASY WAYS TO SECURE A HOUSE PINOY STYLE

The subdivision where I am currently residing was known before as a haven for robbers. This is because most of the residents there are working in the city, leaving their houses early morning and arriving late at night. I heard a lot of robbery stories and I reckon that before we transfer I better secure the house first. 

http://www.sulit.com.ph

Install window grills. I asked a carpenter to install iron grills on all the windows, in a 40 square meter house that's five including a small window in the toilet and bath area. It cost me six thousand pesos (P6,000.00) that covers payment for labor and materials. It's not bad considering that when I went back there for an inspection after a week, my windows are secure.

Construct a Main Gate and Fence. Whether its temporary or fixed, a fence is a must in ones back and front yard.  It stops anybody from entering your property directly. Mine has to be a cyclone wire first nailed on bamboo poles. It's just temporary considering my budget at the moment. However, it's still a necessity at least to ward off dogs and if somebody decides to climb it in the middle of the night I will know. It's light material so it can't carry heavy weights. Somebody will end up sprawled on the ground and will create noise.The whole thing cost me two thousand pesos (P2,000.00) that includes labor fee, materials and transportation.I had to rent a jeepney to bring the materials to the subdivision.

http://boluosi.en.made-in-china.com

Additional Door Lock. My house got one main door and one back door with a set of     doorknobs each. I had my dad installed two door bolt on each door on our first night there and even with these simple lock mechanism, it's not high tech but I already feel safe. This one costs me around one hundred fifty pesos (P150.00). Cheap!

Install Outdoor Lights. I had an electrician install two outdoor lights in my house recently. When we go home at night, on our street my house is the only one that is dark. And it's a little bit creepy arriving in your house with no lights on...hehehe....so when my budget permitted it...I spent one thousand five hundred pesos (P1,500.00) for labor and materials.... I immediately bought the materials and had them installed. Now, from the outside one can see my front and back yard at night. Robbers are afraid of lighted places you see.

Get a dog. Mine is an "askal" (a combination of a native breed and a doberman). Bronco as we call him was brought by my dad and my daughter from our house in Hinigaran (my hometown). We have plenty of them there and they're a delight bunch. Bronco like all the other dogs we have, would accompany us to the corner of our street where we take our ride going to the jeepney terminal. And, on our way home, he would meet us on the street or at the gate. I haven't heard him growl yet since he is just less than a year old but I am expecting him to protect us from person with bad intentions ^^....by the way, Bronco is free of cost.

Movie Date

The past weekend was my son's turn to stay with us. Prior to Friday, he made sure that we will definitely watch Transformer. Of course! It's my promise and I'm standing pat on my promise even if the cinema ticket will cost me a hundred and twenty bucks each and there's three of us going. Movie tickets cost quite a lot nowadays and watching movies is not a part of my budget anymore....eversince I got married and got separated. Whew!

When I was single, movie watching is a must every payday. Hehehe!!! Sadly, when the kids came I'm just lucky to even watch one movie a year. But of course, there's dvd so I get to watch movies though late but definitely cheaper and in the comfort of our own home. Well, Harry Potter movies are an exception. I make sure that I watch each release with my daughter Michelle.  It's a sort of a tradition between us, that we must watch it together. 

Anyway, I enjoy watching movies with my kids. I can see the joy in their eyes and we get to share something in common. Thanks to the kids....things I haven't done in quite a while...I get to enjoy again. It's really different when you watch movies on a big screen. 

Carpool

Michelle and I settled down comfortably in our new house. The location is a bit far but going to work and school is really not a hassle since I found out that a neighbor just across our house does carpool and their destination is near my children's school. Hence, everyday we get to ride with our neighbors and their kids.We're like eleven inside the multi-cab van. Five adults and six kids and everyday we adults have topics ranging from hairstyle to Avon, to teachers etc. I enjoy this first activity for the day since I get to share experiences with the oldies in the car. Big advantage with the carpool, we always arrive early at my daughter's school so I get to meet my two other kids (Ceci and PJ) from Monday to Friday and share some special moments before their classes starts. After several hugs and kisses, my kids head back to their classrooms, I get to chat with the other moms for a few minutes (others I just met, others I know already when my kids started going to school) and then walk my way to the office. A 15 minute walk that serves as my exercise for the day, five days a week if it's not raining. Since we started going with the carpool I'm still yet to have a tardy record in my dtr.Whew! How cool is that? All in God's time.